Before Inaaya

We had her name shortlisted amongs those like Nadia, Yasmin, Natasha, Haluli and so on. But my heart was taken by Inaaya, which meant several things like 'blessing of God', 'solicitude' and 'one who is concerned for the well being of others'. And indeed she would be a gift from God. Having waited for two years for her, I felt this very strongly.

It was hard losing the opportunity to adopt the first time from Auntie Wok. And I felt that her heart had closed to me, with Kim's funny conditions. That mommy get to view the infant first, that we have a medical record...which I myself felt were unreasonable. Whatever comes our way, I am happy to be blessed with another child.

And so we lost that first infant girl, I was heartbroken and found it hard to forgive Kim for the blunder. Kim was all full of regret. He knew, after we lost our chance, that indeed he had made a mistake. And there I was for the first time, not bulldozing my wishes through. Waiting for my husband's own heart to do it's very own magic. But I regretted it then, though I do not regret it now.

Then we lost the infant boy, because we were too slow in responding and because I had told Auntie Wok that we would have preferred a girl, though we would be happy to have a boy too.

It was too my delight that when we flew down to Malaysia on 11th August 2007 that I got a call from Auntie Wok whilst at Yakmin's wedding. Telling me that indeed a baby girl had been born though she may not be matching to Kim and I because she was too dark. Too dark? I am dark. And Kim loved brownies. I said, "No Auntie Wok, we are happy no matter what colour the child."

But something in me told me to listent to Auntie Wok, something she was not telling, perhaps she had instincts for these things but did not voice them out for desire to be fair to the infant. So in the end at the advise of mommy, Hidayah and a nod from Kim I said, "Auntie Wok, whatever you think is best for me, I leave it to you. If you think I should wait for the next one I will I said."

And so we waited, I was looking at my mobile phone obsessively, as I had been the last one month or so, waiting expectantly for the call. Regretting saying a possible no to the dark baby the minute the words left my mouth. But not calling back, not wanting to seem indecisive.

And then on the 12th we received news that a young woman was in labour and was about to give birth any time now. By the 13th August we knew we had a baby girl. Inaaya.

I was overjoyed to hold her in my arms. Overjoyed.